When Divorce Creates Distance: The Emotional Cost of Moving Away

When Divorce Creates Distance: The Emotional Cost of Moving Away

When Divorce Creates Distance: The Emotional Cost of Moving Away

When you live far from family and close friends, divorce can feel like hitting the ground without a net. Suddenly, you are not only without a partner; you are without the everyday support that keeps you going. No one to help with the kids after school, no grandparents nearby, no familiar circle to lean on. Many mothers find themselves completely alone, trying to rebuild life while caring for their children, managing work, and holding everything together.

Research shows that after divorce, women’s income drops by about 30 to 40 percent, while men’s income often stays the same or even increases (Smock, 1993; Avellar & Smock, 2005; Tach & Eads, 2015). This financial strain, added to emotional exhaustion, can make daily life feel impossible.

It’s understandable that some parents — especially mothers who are the main caregivers — decide to move far away. Sometimes it’s to another state, a different city, or even overseas. The goal is often to be closer to family, find better opportunities, or start over. These choices usually come from pain, not selfishness.But as a family therapist, I’ve seen how even well-intentioned decisions can leave deep marks on children.

For this reason, I strongly advise mothers and main caregivers not to make such a move unless there is truly no other option. The emotional cost to the children often lasts much longer than the relief the move provides.

How Children See Divorce

In this post, I want to focus on children under the age of 12, because younger children usually don’t have a say when parents make big decisions like moving or separating. In California, children aged 12 and older have the legal right to express their opinion about custody and visitation (California Family Code § 3042), though the judge decides how much weight to give it. But younger children don’t have that voice. They mostly absorb what happens around them, often silently, trying to make sense of changes they didn’t choose.

For them, divorce is not an adult problem; it’s an emotional earthquake. They don’t understand the reasons, they only feel the loss.The house changes, routines shift, and the sense of safety they once knew disappears. Many children believe the divorce happened because of something they did or didn’t do (Cao, 2022).

When the main caregiver moves far from the other parent, those fears deepen. The child experiences a second loss, first, the family breaks apartn, now, one parent becomes distant and less accessible.This can lead to sadness, anger, and resentment toward the parent who moved. Research shows that about 25 to 30 percent of children of divorce experience significant emotional or behavioral problems, compared to about 10 percent of children from intact families (Amato, 2010). When one parent becomes physically distant, those risks increase, children are more likely to show anger, anxiety, and withdrawal, and may struggle with feelings of rejection or confusion about loyalty (Kelly & Emery, 2003).

Some children turn that anger inward, feeling guilty for missing the parent who stayed behind, worrying that loving one parent means betraying the other. Others withdraw emotionally, protecting themselves from more loss, which can lead to long-term struggles with trust and closeness later in life (Lansford, 2009).

Even when contact continues through video calls or visits, children often say, “It’s not the same.” And they’re right, love remains, but the connection changes.

When the Main Caregiver Moves Far Away

Sometimes moving feels like the only choice. Life after divorce can be filled with loneliness and financial pressure, and the idea of a “fresh start” can seem like the only way out. But research shows that children who live far from one parent after divorce face more emotional challenges than those whose parents stay nearby (Stevenson, 2018).

The longer and harder the distance is to travel, the greater the impact. Children need regular, natural contact, not just holidays and long weekends. Physical closeness builds emotional closeness. Studies show that proximity is one of the strongest factors in maintaining secure relationships between children and their parents (Kostense et al., 2024).

That’s why, when I meet with parents who are considering relocation, I always encourage them to pause. Ask yourself: Is this move truly necessary right now? Can I find support closer to where we are? What will this change do to my child’s bond with their other parent?

Distance might seem like a short-term solution, but for children, it often creates a long-term ache that’s hard to heal.

When the Other Parent Stays Behind

When the main caregiver moves far away, the other parent becomes the “distance parent.” They still love their children deeply, but they are no longer part of the everyday moments, the school drop-offs, the laughter at dinner, the quick hugs before bedtime.

Research consistently shows that children thrive when both parents remain active and visible in their lives (King, 2015; Adam & Daly, 2007). When one parent becomes distant, physically or emotionally, the child’s stability is shaken. They may struggle with concentration, sleep, or anxiety, even if they can’t explain why.

As years pass, many children describe missing the parent who stayed behind but feeling disconnected, as if their relationship now lives in memories, not in real time.

Long-Term Effects: Into Adolescence and Adulthood

Distance doesn’t just change a child’s routine, it can shape how they relate to love and connection later in life. Studies show that children who grew up far from one parent are more likely to struggle with trust, emotional closeness, and self-worth as adults (Braver, 2012; Stevenson, 2018). They may fear abandonment, avoid deep emotional bonds, or repeat similar distance patterns in their own relationships.

In contrast, children who grow up near both parents, even when those parents live separately, tend to have stronger emotional health and more stable adult relationships (Allen & Daly, 2007).

The research is clear: proximity matters.

Why Staying Near Both Parents Matters

Children do best when they can see, hear, and feel that both parents are still part of their world. Divorce already changes the family structure, but when one parent becomes distant, even with love, the child’s foundation for safety, belonging, and identity begins to shake.

For Boys: Fathers teach boys about strength, empathy, and emotional control. When Dad is involved and nearby, boys tend to have fewer behavioral issues and higher confidence (BMC Psychology, 2024). When that connection weakens, boys are at higher risk for anger, acting out, and difficulty respecting authority (Amato, 2010). Some try to fill the emotional gap by becoming overprotective at home or taking on adult responsibilities too early, while others pull away emotionally, seeking validation from peers who may not always be a healthy influence.

For Girls: Girls who grow up with emotionally engaged fathers tend to develop stronger self-esteem, body confidence, and secure attachments (Nielsen, 2017). When that bond is disrupted, they may internalize rejection, feel unworthy of attention, or seek reassurance through relationships that mirror instability. Fathers model how love, respect, and boundaries should look. Without that presence, girls may struggle to trust or assert their needs in relationships later in life.

When both parents remain accessible and emotionally present, children, regardless of gender, develop secure attachment patterns, better emotion regulation, and a stronger sense of belonging (Kelly & Emery, 2003). They learn that love doesn’t end when relationships do, and that both parents can remain part of their safety net.

Presence creates safety. Consistency creates trust. When both parents stay near, even in separate homes, they offer their child two safe bases to return to, and that makes all the difference.

Compassion and Awareness

I know how hard it is. Divorce is painful. Being alone without family nearby can make everything harder. For many parents, moving feels like survival. But as both a therapist and a mother, I have seen what distance does to children, not immediately, but over years: the sadness, the confusion, the quiet anger, and the loss of closeness that no amount of love can fully repair.

If possible, stay close. Your child needs both parents, not just emotionally, but physically. Even when life feels messy or heavy, staying near helps your child feel secure and connected. The decision not to move may feel hard now, but it is an investment in your child’s emotional future.

Divorce is between adults, but the distance is carried by the children.Putting their needs first doesn’t mean losing yourself; it means protecting their world, their heart, and their sense of belonging.

Stay Connected

If this message speaks to you, you are not alone.I support parents through difficult transitions with compassion, honesty, and practical guidance.

📸 Instagram: @ShirliMindBodyGuide🌐 Website: www.milevlelev.com

Together, we can face these changes with courage, love, and community.

With care, Shirli H. Libet, MS LMFT

References

Adam, E. K., & Daly, K. (2007). Long-term effects of father involvement in childhood on offspring’s well-being. Journal of Family Issues, 28(6), 803–819.

Allen, S., & Daly, K. (2007). Father involvement and children’s positive outcomes: A review of the literature. Centre for Families, Work & Well-Being, University of Guelph.

Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

Avellar, S., & Smock, P. J. (2005). The economic consequences of the dissolution of cohabiting unions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67(2), 315–327.

Braver, S. L. (2012). Relocation of children after divorce and children’s best interests. American Psychologist, 67(3), 206–214.

Cao, H. (2022). The divorce process and child adaptation trajectory. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 880566.Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362.

King, V. (2015). Non-residential father–child involvement, interparental conflict, and child adjustment. Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(3), 688–703.

Kostense, L., van der Valk, I. E., & van der Valk, R. J. (2024). The consequences of divorce-related relocation: A scoping review. Journal of Family Studies, 30(2), 219–235.

Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental divorce and children’s adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140–152.

Nielsen, L. (2017). Father–daughter relationships and shared parenting outcomes: A review of research. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 58(8), 637–662.

Smock, P. J. (1993). The economic costs of marital disruption for young women over the past two decades. Demography, 30(3), 353–371.S

tevenson, M. M. (2018). Associations between parental relocation following divorce and children’s later outcomes. Family Court Review, 56(4), 521–535.

Tach, L. M., & Eads, A. (2015). I’m no longer dependent, you know? Divorce, gender, and changes in economic well-being. The Sociological Review, 63(1), 90–113.

BMC Psychology. (2024). Father involvement and emotion regulation during early childhood.

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